Over the next few months my goal in life is to get better. What do I mean by that? Well, I've battled an eating disorder on and off for the last 13 years or so.
If you're a friend of mine you're probably saying "WTF? How is that possible? Gina doesn't look anorexic!" Well unlike anorexia or bulimia, which can be hard to hide, I've battled binge eating disorder (also called overeating disorder). People like to argue as to whether or not it's a real ED; but, many professionals are realizing it is.
Really, I've known I've had it for a long time; but, who wants to admit they have an eating disorder. And mine has always been fairly unnoticeable and there have been times where it's been almost nonexistent.
I've always had a fairly unhealthy relationship with food.
- We rarely ate at the table
- Often ate in front of the TV
- The only veggies I ate were corn, carrots, and salad
- Dessert was an every night thing
- Family activity didn't happen
Seventh grade was when things got bad. My parents separated (and soon divorced) that year and as a result my mom had to go back to work full time. Suddenly I was going home after school to an empty house. Instead of doing homework or some type of after school activity I would eat. And it wouldn't just be an after noon snack.
I'd eat multiple pieces of bologna, frosting from the cabinet, huge ice cream sundaes I created... basically anything I could get my hands on. Then I'd make sure I would put everything back in the EXACT same spot. Facing the same direction and everything.
It was even worse at my dad's house because he felt so bad about the divorce that I was allowed to do whatever I wanted. I'd eat whole bags of popcorn and then a whole thing of Ben & Jerry's. I'd eat until I was full and then eat some more. Even when I felt sick I often wouldn't stop.
In high school I was still heavy but my binging got better. I worked after school so I really didn't have time but during break at school I'd buy orders of breadsticks or other treats even though it was only a few hours until lunch.
In college things got even better for awhile. I started making better food choices. I started working out religiously and tracking what I ate. I lost about 20-25 pounds in a completely healthy way. Unfortunately, my family didn't see me often while I was away at school and when I went home significantly thinner and chose to eat a salad instead of a huge meal while out, they decided I was anorexic. My dad's girlfriend made snide comments and my dad even called my mom to ask her if she thought I was okay. It was horrible. It hurt and is a horrific example of body shaming. In retrospect I know those comments were made out of their own frustration with their weight but it still tore me down and my healthy habits started hanging by a thread.
At the end of my second year of college my roommate (and supposedly good friend) moved out on me with 12 hours notice when we were planning on staying in our apartment all summer. It wasn't pretty. It was cruel. And, sadly, that action cut that hanging thread.
For the next year I ate horribly. Lots of takeout. Lots of eating. I'd eat a whole loaf of bread in an evening...with pasta. I'd order the largest container of frozen yogurt and eat all of it. Things were really bad again.
A year later hubby and I got together and things were pretty good. We worked hard to make some healthier choices together. We counted calories together and went to they gym together. Before our wedding I was working our regularly.
After we got married I was good for awhile; but, when we started the process of buying a house I started stress eating. Not really binging though.
Then I got pregnant at my highest adult weight. Then I gained baby weight. Now I'm at 180 pounds. Yup, I'm telling the world. At 5'2 I should be around 135 at the high end. So that's 45 extra pounds on my frame.
Since I've had Squishy things have been bad again. I'll eat out and hide the evidence from hubby. I'll do mini binges. I started eating fast food again. It's the unhealthiest I've been in at least four years.
BUT, the reason I'm coming clean is because I'm trying to heal myself. I know I eat when I'm stressed, when I'm mad, and when I'm bored. No more. It's time to change. I want to get pregnant in the fall and I don't want to be borderline gestational diabetic again. It's time to get it together.
Change is a-coming. Though most of it will be chronicled on my tumblr and not here :)
Mini-confession time: I also have anxiety.
My social anxiety is the hardest to deal with. I HATE meeting new people. It's physically exhausting and mentally draining for me. Putting me into a group of people is literally a form of torture for me. Unless there are multiple people I know there it is an absolutely horrible situation for me. I also hate the phone. I don't know why. Unless your family I don't want to talk to you on the phone. I feel awkward and I constantly feel like you don't actually want to be talking to me.
Understandably, that's ruined some friendships. I care a lot about people but I won't necessarily contact you. It's not because I don't care, but because I don't think to. Being social isn't natural for me (unless I'm tipsy or in a really random mood). I also feel like I'm annoying and that people are only friends with me because they feel bad for me. (Thank you disordered thinking). As a result I have a pretty small group of friends. Friendships are easier for me if I can see you frequently.
I also have a severe phobia of death. Like panic attack inducing fear. Even writing this is hard. I'm going to have to do it quickly. If I think too long about not existing (I don't believe in heaven usually) my heart will start to race, I'll start to sweat, I'll have a hard time breathing, sometimes I get tunnel vision, and I will dwell on it for hours. It's horrible.
Those are my confessions for the day. I'm working on it. I'm getting healthy. I'm being a good mama. I'm making this work :